The Death of the Nice Guy

L.C. Hill

“Whatcha doin’ this weekend?” I hit send on the text to the perfectly nice guy I’d had a great date with last weekend.

His text came back a few minutes later: “Building a wall.”

I waited a moment to see if he’d follow up. Nothing. I sighed. He’s definitely building a wall. It doesn’t take a lot to see that.

“How was your date?” my friends endlessly ask me about every first date I go on. “It was fun. He’s nice. We’ll see,” I endlessly answer.

Raise your glasses, folks. Here’s to another nice guy gone forever.

In Memoriam

Nice Guy No. 852 flatlined at 12:59 p.m. on April 17, 2019. It was not unexpected. His texting health had been rapidly declining in the days leading up to his demise. His date-ability was cut short far too early. However, his lifespan was average for men his age.

A woman who had been on a date with him the weekend before said he was nice and spoke fondly of him to friends. “I have no idea what happened,” she was quoted as thinking shortly after his brief text—the proverbial nail in the coffin.

Nice Guy No. 852 will be remembered for his above-average kissing abilities and his insistence on paying for the date, a rare trait in a man these days. No doubt he leaves behind a countless number of women bewildered by his sudden departure. He was preceded in death by Nice Guy Nos. 1-851 in an unprecedented epidemic fueled by the modern dating culture.

A celebration of life will be held with the survivor’s closest girlfriends. Tributes will be paid to the deceased with a few oh-my-gods accompanied by eye rolling and a lot of giggling.