June 13, 2019
I have a list of too-lates. I can tick them off without even thinking about it and quite often do. I am ambitiously chasing a life I can really love but the doubts creep in. Right in the middle of one of my writing fueled days-long highs of pure, unadulterated focus, I hear that voice that says, “Why are you even bothering? You’re too old. You’re too tethered to a life you don’t want anymore—debt, a job, responsibilities. You can’t have this new life no matter how many words you pump out, or how many essays or poems you submit, or how much website content you manage to create.”
I hate that voice. I know I shouldn’t listen to it. It has a lot of clout in my head. It has zero leverage in my heart. But my head has won out for so long, it’s usually the loudest. I come from practical people with practical jobs and practical lives. When I pursued a degree in photography, my mother asked why I wasn’t going to be a scientist. It wasn’t that I was even good at science. It was just code for “Why aren’t you doing something practical?” I graduated but I gave up on that pursuit eventually and got a degree in accounting.
Recently, someone got to me with this statement: Listen to the soft voice of your heart. He challenged me to abandon old ideas. He didn’t realize the positive impact he had. He’s gone from my life now. He just stopped by for a visit in my life, not a long stay, to drop off this powerful wisdom nugget. For that, I will be eternally grateful.
~
Listen to
the soft voice of your heart,
you said.
It was once so easy to silence,
I answered.
But since you came along
it’s been loud and clear
and it’s impossible to ignore
anymore.