June 17, 2019
Michelle once told me, “You love harder than anyone I’ve ever known.” It was just after my mother’s death and I was numb. I couldn’t love anyone. I didn’t have the emotional capacity to offer anything to those closest to me. I felt so guilty. But she was right (which is why I felt so guilty at the time). I give everything I can to those I care most about. I hand out love like it’s coming from an unending well.
Unfortunately, it isn’t. Also unfortunate is that some of those people I choose to give love to don’t want to use it as a support to rise up. Sometimes those people want to use it to take me down to where they are. And while I may love others hard, I have learned that love extends to me, as well. I will leave, I will wrench my hand from their grasp if they make breathing impossible. I will not go down with someone else’s ship, no matter how much I love them, if they aren’t willing to grab an oar and start rowing.
It has happened more than I’d like to even reflect on. And, even though I have found a way to take care of myself when faced with it, it is difficult to do. But you don’t owe anyone your peace and happiness. Not even the people you love the most.
~
I’ll be the first
to give you my hand
if you’re drowning.
But I’ll be the first
to let go
if you use it
to pull me under.