January 20, 2019
I was left with a lot of coping mechanisms from childhood that don’t serve me well now. I think we all probably were. I kept carrying them into each new relationship, and each new relationship would become a relationship I once had because of those old habits. It was when I was in one particular relationship with someone I really liked that I kept hearing these words over and over in my head: I won’t live in this space anymore. It became a mantra when I would revert to old thinking, toxic behaviors, and sometimes downright despair over ever being able to leave those things behind. It may very well be a lifelong pursuit—overcoming things that happened to me that I couldn’t control—but I am pursuing it nonetheless, and that is what will make the difference in the end.
~
I won’t live in this space anymore.
I won’t stay put within walls
that don’t serve any purpose
but to keep the peace outside
and the storms in.
Where poltergeists leave bruises
and their words burn
like a deep breath
that only tightens my chest.
Where the dead hold more power
with their echoes
than my own voice does
in its bellowing.
I won’t live in this space anymore.